Index
The doorbell / The 10 commandments / Only a year / Squirrels / Big or small? / Community picnic / Do you love the Lord? / Directions / Where do we come from? / When I grow up. / The Prayer Request / The Pastor's title / Symbols of our faith / Honesty / Just like God / The accountant / Hot sauce / Sunday Dinner / Shrines / The 10th Commandment / Lord Help me / Fishing / The new suit / The building fund / The car crash / Not Welcome / The pallbearers / Haircuts for Clergy / Little boys prayer / Picnics and weddings. / Pastors can dream. / Jesus is watching you / coffee? / pastors in Germany / Old Bible / Oil / Preachers dying wish / Golf during church / The chocolate chip cookies / You might be in a country church if... / Wired for sound / The peace and love of God! / 100 points / Adam and the frog / Great Sermon / Abrahams computer / Redneck Church / The Offering / The Lord's Supper / Mistaken Identity / Can't sleep / Correct a mistake? / Are you an athiest? / Adam's counter offer / The new and improved lite church / A purpose? / Jesus calling Peter / The locked Car Door / The turkey / You choose / Where have you been? / The new church / interstate driving / Acts 2:38 / A short history of medicine / To each his own / Why I never wash / Off The Hood / Bats in the belfry / Psalm 23 For Tech Heads / The wish / Love one another / The church gossip / The two Brothers / The Survivor / First trip to the mall / The Same In My Business / Good news/Bad news for a pastor / The new Pastor / The visiting preacher / Where is Jesus today? / The substitute organist / Leaving the church early / God the father / Atheist and the Loch Ness monster / A great gnashing of teeth / Cowboy Joe / Cat and mouse / Preachers new mower / A cat in Heaven / The Great Battle / The dress / One word / worldly wealth / Keeping the Faith / The golden phone / The Storm / church sign / The love of / The church steeple / Elijahs test / Lot / Drunk and the baptismal / The lawyer and the pastor / Tithing... / God made us / Sit still / Christening baby brother / His first wedding / Favorite Hymns of Different Professions / Notice of defective pastor /Does God exist? / A cats view of creation / The bill / Kids thoughts about God / Choices / Preachers Lamentations / The priests plants / Car crash / Baptist Dog / Morning people / Day at the beach / The package / Revival / Light bulb humor / My Dads job / Sunday morning / A memorial / A Good Deed / The Priest and the bus driver / The Most Popular Guy / Cats / A Perfect Pastor / The Parrot / Church Bulletins / Muldoons cat / The florist /
A pastor is walking down the street one day when he notices a small boy trying to use the doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
A Sunday school teacher was teaching the Ten Commandments to her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked,"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live.
A small town had four churches Presbyterian, Methodist, Catholic and Baptist.
Can you tell me why a $10 bill looks so small at the grocery store but so big at church?
A church had a picnic and invited the entire community to come. The Pastor placed a basket full of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple please - Remember that God is watching."
On the other end of the table was a plate of cookies where one of the children had placed a sign saying, "Take all the cookies you want -- God is watching the apples."
When I was little, my dad would ask me, "George, do you love the Lord?" I would say, "Yes, I do." He would tell me "Then stand up and shout Halleluhah!" So I would, and then I would fall out of the roller coaster.
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.
A little girl asked her mother, "Where did people come from?"
Her mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and that's how all mankind was made."
A couple of days later she asked her father the same question.
The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, which the human race evolved from."
The confused little girl returned to her mother and said, "Mommy, how is it possible that you told me that we were created by God, and Daddy said we came from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister When I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
A businessman needed a million dollars to close an important business
transaction. He went to church to pray for the money.
He knelt and started praying next to a man who was praying for a hundred dollars he needed to pay an urgent debt. The businessman took out his wallet and pressed the
hundred dollars into the other man's hand.
Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church.
The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now, Lord, that I
have your undivided attention...."
A local Pastor joined a community Service Club, and the members thought
they would have a little fun with him. Under his name badge they printed,
"Hog Caller" as his occupation. Everyone made a big fanfare as the badge
was presented.
The Pastor responded by saying, " I usually am called the "Shepherd of the
sheep"... but I guess you know your people better than I do."
While teaching children about world religions, a teacher asked her students to bring a symbol of their family's faith to class.
The 1st child said, "I'm Muslim, and this is my prayer rug."
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above river, his axe fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into the river, and he needed it to make his living.
The Lord went down in the water and appeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?"the Lord asked.
"No", the woodcutter replied.
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?"the Lord asked.
"Yes", he replied.
The Lord was so pleased with the man's honesty that He gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared again and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, you would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.. MOSTLY his lady!
That's our story, and we're sticking to it..
THE GUYS.
Index
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My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual questionnaire.
"What sort of accountant are you?" says St Peter
"Public Practitioner," is the reply.
"Name?"
He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out.
"Oh, yes. We've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted
span," says St Peter.
"How can that be?" says the accountant. "I'm too young to go. I'm only forty-eight"
"No, that's impossible."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well we've been looking at your time sheets and the hours you've
charged your clients. By our reckoning you're at least ninety
three."
A minister who was very fond of pure, hot
horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his
dining room table. He offered some to a guest,
who took a big spoonful.
When the guest finally was able to speak, he
gasped, "I've heard many ministers preach
hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who
passed out a sample of it."
A young couple invited their pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were
in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they
were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the Pastor, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yes," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'We might as well have
the old goat for dinner today as any other day."
There's only one possible conclusion: Jews are better drivers than
Christians.
The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead. The teacher was very impressed with the boy's parents and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing.
The boy replied, "Yes he did. My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us."
He was so touched by the gift that the following Sunday he stood before everyone and, with tears in his eyes, announced, "Today I will be preaching to you in my birthday suit."
The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.
The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
The priest replies, "Oh, yes, I agree. It's a miracle that we survived and are here together."
"And here's another miracle," says the rabbi. "My car is destroyed but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink the wine to help celebrate our good fortune," he says, handing the bottle to the priest.
The priest nods in agreement, opens the wine, drinks half of it, and hands it back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes it and puts the cap back on.
"Aren't you going to have any? asks the priest.
"Not right now," says the rabbi. "I think I'm going to wait until after the police make their report."
A couple of days past and a Catholic priest came in to get his hair cut. He got ready to pay and the barber said, "No Father, I don't charge the clergy for hair cuts." So the next morning he found a bottle of wine outside his front door step.
Several days later a Baptist minister came in to get his hair cut and when he got ready to pay the barber said, "No Reverend, I don't charge the clergy for their hair cuts." So the next morning, the barber found 15 Baptist preachers on his doorstep, ready for a hair cut!
To which the rabbi replied, "Sure, at your wedding."
1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
A. German Shepherds.
"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!"
"Do you know what you have done? You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anywhere close to that," replied his friend. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."
Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself up from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with intense concentration, supported himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. In labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing wide-eyed into the kitchen.
There, spread out on the kitchen table were literally HUNDREDS of his favorite chocolate chip cookies!
Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture, one hand on the edge of the table. The aged and withered hand quiveringly made its way to a cookie near the edge of the table; feeling the warm soft dough actually made the pain of his bones subside for a moment. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.
What, then, was this sudden stinging that caused his hand to recoil?
He looked to see his wife, still holding the spatula she had just used to smack his hand.
"Stay out of those!" she said, "they're for the funeral."
2. The Call To Worship is "Y'all come on in!"
3. People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.
4. The restroom is outside.
5. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.
6. In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of "2 calves".
7. Never in its entire 100-year history has one of it's pastors had to buy any meat or vegetables.
8. When it rains, everybody's smiling.
St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay" the man says, "I attended church every Sunday"
"Two points?" he says. "Well, I gave 10% of all my earnings to the church"
"Two points? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"hmmm...," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"THREE POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"
"Come on in!"
the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier
because none of the members knows how to play one.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... people ask,
when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were
bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... when the
pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,"
four guys stand up.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... on the opening day
of deer season the church is closed.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... a member of
the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because
"It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of"
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the choir is
known as the "OK Chorale".
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... in a congregation of
500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... people think
"rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the baptismal
pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the choir
robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy
Bob's Barbecue.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the
collection plates are really hubcaps from a 1956 Chevy pick up truck.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... instead of a
bell you are called to service by a duck call.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the minister
and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... "Thou shall
not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.
You know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the final
words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear."
"I would like to remind you that what you are about to give is tax deductible, cannot be taken with you, and it is considered in the Bible that the love of this is the root of all evil."
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After several hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.
He stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog!
The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers', so I let it go."
There is, however, one exception. A little girl has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because, I'm not an atheist."
Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a Christian."
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks her why she is a Christian.
"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, my dad is a Christian, and my grand parents are too, so I am a Christian."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.
"What if your mom and your dad were idiots. And what if your grand parents were idiots? What would you be then?"
She paused, smiled and said, "Oh, I guess that I'd be an atheist!"
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She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."
So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and immediately the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
I was forced to as a child.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then just
walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of
Mildred's house.......and left it there all night.
Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could the new pastor see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church membership grew in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.
The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on like this, he finally concluded, "But, compared to his brother, he was a SAINT."
Upon arriving at the shore they were met by a shipwreck survivor. He said, "I'm so glad you're here! I've been alone on this island for more than five years!"
The captain replied, "If you're all alone on the island why do I see THREE huts."
The survivor said, "Oh. We'll, I live in one, and go to church in another."
"What about the THIRD hut?" asked the captain.
"That's where I USED to go to church."
The doorbell
After watching the boys efforts for some time the pastor walks across the street up to the little fellow and rings the doorbell.
Kneeling down next to the child, the pastor smiles and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Run!"
The 10 commandments
One little boy shouted, "Thou shall not kill."
Only a year
So he decided to talk to his pastor.
After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.
"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80 model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor.
"Then go get married to the meanest, ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old house trailer in the
panhandle of Oklahoma."
The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"
"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."
Squirrels
All four had a serious problem with squirrels in the church. Each church in its own fashion had a meeting to deal with the problem.
The Presbyterians decided that it was predestined that squirrels be in the church and that they would just have to live with them.
The Methodists decided they should deal with the squirrels lovingly in the style of Charles Wesley. They humanely trapped them and released them in a park at the edge of town. Within 3 days, they were all back in the church.
The Catholics also humanely trapped them and attempted to teach them the "rhythm" method which of course did not work.
The Baptists had the best solution. They voted the squirrels in as members Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Big or small?
Community picnic
Do you love the Lord?
Directions
As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you don't even know the way to the post office!"
Where do we come from?
When I grow up.
The Prayer Request
The Pastor's title
Symbols of our faith
The next day, she asked each student to come forward and share the symbol with the class.
The 2nd child said, "I'm Jewish, and this is my family's menorah."
The 3rd child said, "I'm Roman Catholic, and this is my Mom's rosary."
The 4th child said, "I'm Greek Orthodox, and this is an icon of my patron saint."
The 5th child said, "I'm a Baptist, and this is my casserole dish."
Honesty
Just like God
The accountant
Hot sauce
Sunday Dinner
Shrines
I recently drove about 2000 miles on various U.S. highways. Along the
side of the road there were many shrines marking where people had died in
auto accidents. Almost all the shrines included a cross. I only saw a
couple with Stars of David. The 10th Commandment
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
Lord Help me
Dear Heavenly Father,
So far, today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped or lost my temper. I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, or self centered. I'm really happy about that so far. But in a few minutes I'm going to be getting out of bed and then I'm going to need a lot of help. Thank you! Amen
Fishing
There was a new family that had just moved into town. Their son came to Sunday School but seemed upset. His teacher asked him if anything was wrong. The new suit
This year for our pastor's birthday, the congregation decided to give him a new suit. The building fund
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news.
The car crash
A priest and a rabbi are in a car crash and it's pretty bad. Both of their cars are totaled but neither one of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi says, "So you're a priest. That's interesting; I'm a rabbi. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left to either one of them but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace." Not Welcome
An impoverished old man applied for membership in a wealthy church. The pastor tried to put him off with all kinds of evasive remarks. The old man became aware that he was not welcome there and finally told the pastor that he would pray about it. After several days he returned. "Well," asked the pastor, "Did the Lord give you a message?" "Yes Sir, He did" was the old man's answer. "He told me it wasn't any use. He said, "I've been trying to get in that same church myself for ten years and they won't let me in either."
The pallbearers
An elderly woman died last month who had never married, she requested that no male pallbearers be used. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive so I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
Haircuts for Clergy
A Rabbi went to the local barber shop. After his hair cut, he got ready to pay the barber and the barber said, "No Rabbi, I don't charge the clergy for haircuts." So the next morning the barber found a loaf of Jewish rye bread outside of his door step. Little boys prayer
"Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and my cat and me. Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess."
Picnics and weddings.
A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest were good friends. They were at a community picnic one day and the priest was eating a ham sandwich. "You know," he said to his friend, "this ham sandwich is simply delicious. I know you're not supposed to eat ham, but I don't understand why something as good as this would be forbidden to you. Why don't you break down and try one?" Pastors can dream.
Here are some things that a Pastor dreams of hearing in his church.
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
11. I couldn't find space to park outside. Praise God!
Jesus is watching you
A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes." He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses." The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their German Shepherd Jesus".
coffee?
A married couple were arguing who is making the coffee, the wife said that in the Bible it says that men should make the coffee and the husband asked her where it said that. The wife opened the Bible and said: "Right here in HEBREWS!"
pastors in Germany
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany? Old Bible
A collector of rare books ran into an old friend who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it. Oil
Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.
The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"
"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil.
So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush.
Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold.
So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced.
Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."
The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible,
flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page.
He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven." Preachers dying wish
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything.Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go." Golf during church
The Pastor woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So.... he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to preach for him that day. As soon as the associate pastor left the room, the Pastor headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his church.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from heaven and exclaimed,
"You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."Just then he hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 435 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
Saint Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked,
"Why did you let him do that?"The Lord smiled and replied,
"Who's he going to tell?" The chocolate chip cookies
An elderly man lay dying in his bed, Suddenly death's agony was pushed aside as he smelled the aroma of his favorite homemade chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. You might be in a country church if...
1. The doors are never locked. Wired for sound
Back in the days before many churches had wireless microphones, a preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mic, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mic cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered,"If he gets loose, will he hurt us?" The peace and love of God!
After a very long and boring sermon the parishoners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons."Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God!" The pastor was thrilled. "No-one has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why." "Well - it reminded me of the Peace of God because it passed all understanding and the Love of God because it endured forever!"
Index 100 points
A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.
"That's good, says St. Peter, " that's worth two points"
"Well, let's see," answers Peter, "that's worth another 2 points. Did you do anything else?"
"Fantastic, that's certainly worth a point, " he says.
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!" Adam and the frog
Adam was spending the day naming all the creatures in the garden when he realized he was alone as a human being. Then came the very last creature and he named it "frog". He spoke to the frog in his loneliness and asked it if it had any ideas as to how he could not be so lonely. To Adam's surprise, the frog opened it's mouth and replied, "Rib-It!", then the rest was history... Great Sermon
A woman approached the minister after the sermon, and thanked him for his discourse. "I found it so helpful," she said.
The minister replied: "I hope it will not prove as helpful as the last sermon you heard me preach."
"Why, what do you mean?" asked the astonished woman.
"Well," said the minister, "that sermon lasted you three months." Abrahams computer
Abraham bought himself a fancy new computer. He was showing it to Isaac one day. "Look at all the wonderful programs it has on it. And look at all the neat things it can do..."
Isaac was impressed, but a little concerned..."But dad, I don't think your computer has enough memory."
Abraham said "Don't worry son; the Lord will provide the RAM." Redneck Church
You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... The Offering
Pastor's Announcement Before Offering: The Lord's Supper
If Jesus had lived in the Southern part of the United States instead of Israel, I am convinced that we would be observing the Lord's Supper today with cornbread and ice tea. - Hugh Troyer Mistaken Identity
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard, when suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing and stopped, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. Can't sleep
Do you know what an agnostic dyslexic insomniac does? Correct a mistake?
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?" Are you an athiest?
A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. Adam's counter offer
God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well. He comes to see Adam and says to him, "Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, she will be beautiful, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg." Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies, "What could I get for a rib?" The new and improved lite church
Does it seem to you that churches these days just expect too much from their people? Well before you remember that Jesus told us to pick up our cross and follow Him daily, read the following announcement. A purpose?
God didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes and roaches come close. Jesus calling Peter
When Jesus was hanging on the cross he looked out into the crowd and saw St. Peter. He called out, "Peter. Peter. Come here." St. Peter tried to reach Jesus but the Roman soldiers around the foot of the cross pushed him back. He looked up and Jesus repeated, "Peter. Come here." So St. Peter tried again to reach the cross. This time the Roman soldiers knocked him down and kicked him a few times. Picking himself up, St. Peter heard Jesus calling to him again, so he dashed between two Roman soldiers and went right up to the foot of the cross, saying "Yes, Lord. . . ." And Jesus said, "Peter . . . I can see your house from here." The locked Car Door
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. The turkey
A man stopped by the local church to talk to the Pastor. He told the Pastor "I stole a turkey this morning on my way home from work". The Pastor told him "That was a terrible thing to do". The man replied "Yes, I know that now, do you want it?" The Pastor replied "No, take it back and give it to the man that you stole it from." The man replied "I tried to give it back but he refused it". The Pastor told him "In that case you keep the turkey". The man thanked the Pastor and went on his way.
When the Pastor arrived home later that day he discovered that his turkey had been stolen! You choose
One beautiful Sunday morning, the pastor announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour.
"Now, we'll take the collection and see which one you have chosen." Where have you been?
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.
It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve. The new church
A rich man goes to his minister and says, "I want you and your wife to
take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you."
The minister accepts the offer, and he and his wife set off to the Middle East.
Three months later they return home. They are met by the wealthy
parishioner, who shows them a new church he has had built for them while they were gone.
"It's the finest building money can buy, reverend," the man says. "I
spared no expense."
And he is right. It is a magnificent edifice, outside and in. But there is one striking difference. There is only one pew, and it is at the very back.
"A church with only one pew?" asks the minister.
"You just wait until Sunday," the rich man says.
When the time comes for the Sunday service, the early arrivals enter the church, file onto the one pew and sit down. When the pew is full, a switch clicks silently, a circuit closes, the gears mesh, a belt moves and, automatically, the rear pew begins to move forward.
When it reaches the front of the church, it comes to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew comes up from below at the back and more people sit down. And so it continues, pews filling and moving forward until finally the church is full from front to back.
"Wonderful!" says the minister. "Marvelous!"
The service begins, and the minister starts to preach his sermon. He
launches into his text and, when 12 o'clock comes, he is still going
strong, with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rings, and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit drops open.
"Wonderful!" says the congregation. "Marvelous!" interstate driving
A state trooper sees a vehicle on the interstate doing 24 miles an hour and pulls the car to make sure everything is all right. When he approaches the driver he discovers that it is a nun.
"Excuse me, sister. But are you alright ?" He asked.
She replies, "Oh, yes officer. We're just fine. Was I doing something wrong?"
The officer says, "Well sister, you were traveling way under the speed limit and I was concerned that you might be having car trouble or something."
"But officer", the nun interrupts, "I saw a sign there about a mile back that said 24, and I know I wasn't going any faster than that."
Chuckling, the trooper says, "Sister, that was a state highway route marker, this is State Route 24, not the speed limit. The speed limit signs have a MPH at the bottom."
"Oh, now don't I feel foolish!", replied the nun turning red.
"That's ok, but please try to be more careful, I would hate to see you get hurt", finished the officer. Then as he turns to say good-bye to the nuns in the back seat, he notices for the first time that they are trembling violently and quite pale.
"Sister, what is wrong with your friends? Can I escort you to a hospital ?"
"Oh, no, they're all right. We just turned off of Route 135." Acts 2:38
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop - Acts 2:38!" (..turn from your sin...) The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an AXE and two 38's!" A short history of medicine
"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 BC - "Here, eat this root."
1000 BC - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 AD - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 AD - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 AD - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 AD - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!" To each his own
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked in on the street between their establishments.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then said, "Oh," and ran back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, ran to the back of the car and cut off the last two inches of the tailpipe. Why I never wash
A pastor, apparently disgusted with the excuses parishioners offered as to why they didn�t attend worship services, included �Reasons Why I Never Wash� in the Sunday bulletin:
People who wash are hypocrites - they think they are cleaner than everybody else.
There are so many different kinds of soap; I can�t decide which one is best.
I used to wash, but I got bored and stopped.
I wash only on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter.
None of my friends wash.
I�ll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
I can�t spare the time.
The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.
People who make soap are only after your money.
I don�t like the songs people sing in the bathroom.
I can clean myself perfectly well whenever I pass a sink, so I don�t need a bathtub.
I know how to stay clean without washing.
The last time I washed, someone was rude to me.
What I do doesn�t affect anybody but me.
I know someone who washes every day and still smells bad.
I don�t believe in soap. I sat beside a whole case of it for an hour once, and nothing happened.
Washing was invented by people who knew nothing about science.
If people saw me without my makeup, they would laugh at me.
I�m so dirty now that if I washed, the drain would clog.
Cats, dogs, and chickens never wash, and they are happy all the time.
Prehistoric humans were happy all the time until the first soap salesman made them feel guilty.
If I start washing again, my friends will think I am trying to conform to middle-class standards.
Washing is for women and children.
Washing is for people much dirtier than I am.
I will wash when I find the bathroom that is exactly right for me.
I only believe in things I can see, and I can�t see bacteria.
Children need to see that it is OK to be different.
Children need to see a few bad examples.
Washing may have been OK in my grandfather�s day, but it�s not practical in today�s world. I need to look dirty, talk dirty, and fight dirty to survive.
I watch other people washing on TV.
There are lots of clean people who never wash.
We�ve just moved here six years ago and haven�t had a chance.
I bought a bad bar of soap once, so I swore I would never wash again!
I feel as close to washing on the golf course as I do in the bathroom.
I never wash when I have company.
Washday is the only day I have to sleep in.
My wife washes enough for the whole family
I know people who wash but don�t act very clean.
Washing is the opiate of the masses. Off The Hood
Two nuns were travelling through Europe in their car. They got to
Transylvania and were stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a
diminuative Dracula jumps onto the hood of their car and scratches
the windshield!
"Quick, quick!" shouts the first nun, "What shall I do?"
"Turn on the winshield wipers, that will get rid of this abomination,"
shouts the second.
The nun switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on
and hisses at them loudly!
"What shall I do now?" shouts the first nun.
"Switch on the windshield washer, I filled it with Holy Water when
we stopped in the Vatican!" says the second.
Draula steams as the water burns his skin, but somehow manages to
hang on. He hisses at the nuns even louder now!
"Now what?" screams the first nun.
"Show him your cross!" replies the second.
So the first nun rolls down the window and shouts:
"GET OFF MY HOOD YOU STUPID IDIOT!!!!" Bats in the belfry
Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away.
Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!" Psalm 23 For Tech Heads
The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash.
He installed His software on the hard disk of my heart.
All of His commands are user friendly.
His directory guides me to the right choices for His
name's sake. Even though I scroll through the problems
of life, I will fear no bugs, for He is my back-up.
His password protects me. He prepares a menu before
me in the presence of my enemies.
His help is only a keystroke away.
Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the
days of my life and my file will be merged with
His and saved forever.
Amen The wish
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck,
and everyone inside dies.
They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they
have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before
they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I
want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line,
the last guy in line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,
laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says......
"Make 'em all ugly again" Love one another
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off. The church gossip
Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's
morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several
residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough
to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she
accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic, after she saw his
pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She
commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know
what he was doing. The two Brothers
There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and appeared to be perfect Christians. The Survivor
One day in the South Pacific, a navy ship Captain saw smoke coming from a hut on an uncharted island. First trip to the mall
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights w/numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."
Index The Same In My Business
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before
a long holiday weekend.
The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him
in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him
toward a vacant pump.
"Preacher," said the young man, "I'm sorry about the delay. It seems
as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long
trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my
business." Good news/Bad news for a pastor
Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.
Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.
Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.
Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.
Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.
Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "Gong Show," "Beavis and Butthead" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."
Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game.
Bad News: They beat your men's softball team.
Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.
Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.
Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land.
Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.
Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.
Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit.
Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house. The new Pastor
The young man had just graduated from Bible College and was called to pastor a church close to his home town. The new Pastor was so nervous at his first service, he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked his former Pastor how he could relax. The older minister said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put a little vodka in your water glass. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly. I will be visiting your church next week to see how things go for you."
The next Sunday the young minister put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, after the service, his former Pastor pulled him aside and offered this advice for him.
1 .Next time sip rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10
4. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
5. The recommended grace before meals is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!"
6. We do not refer to Our Savior, Jesus and His disciples as "J.C. and the Boys"
7. David slew Goliath; he did not "kick the crap out of him."
8. Last, but not least, The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook." The visiting preacher
The visiting preacher was really getting the congregation moving. Near the end of his sermon he said this church has really got to walk - to which someone in the back yelled, "let her walk preacher"
The preacher then said if this church is going to go it's got to get up and run to which someone again yelled with gusto, "let her run preacher."
Feeling the surge of the church, the preacher then said with even louder gusto, "if this church is going to go it's got to really fly" and once again with ever greater gusto, someone yelled, "let her fly preacher, let her fly."
The preacher then seized the moment and stated with even greater gusto, "if this church is really going to fly it's going to need money" to which someone in the back yelled, "let her walk preacher, let her walk." Where is Jesus today?
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today ?"
Johnny raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
And Robert, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Robert how he knew this.
And Robert said, "Well.....every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!" The substitute organist
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask
the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for
repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and
a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute
wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to
think of something to play after I make the announcement about the
finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters,
we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we
expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or
more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played the National Anthem ...
... amd that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist! Leaving the church early
"I hope you didn't take it personally, preacher," an embarrassed
woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out
during your sermon."
"I did find it rather disconcerting," the Pastor replied.
"It wasn't out of any disrespect to you," insisted the church-goer.
"Fred has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child." God the father
A young woman brought her fianc�e home to meet her parents. After dinner,
her father asked the young man into his study for a chat.
"So, what are your plans?", The Father said.
"I'm a theology scholar," the young man replied.
"Admirable," the father said, "but what will you do to provide a nice home
for my daughter?"
"I will study and God will provide," the young man explained.
"And how will you afford to raise children?", The Father asked.
"God will provide.", said the young man.
The men left the study and the mother asked her husband, "How did it go?"
"Very well; I like him. He has no money or employment plans," the father
said. "But on the other hand, he thinks I'm God." Atheist and the Loch Ness monster
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat
was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast
tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth
to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist
hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought
you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "two minutes ago I
didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
Index A great gnashing of teeth
A preacher of the old school was describing the events of Judgment Day and,
of course, he used Biblical phrases whenever he could.
"Oh, my friends," he shouted, "imagine the suffering of the sinners as they
find themselves cast into the outer darkness, removed from the presence of
the Lord and given to eternal flames. My friends, at such a time there will
be weeping, wailing and a great gnashing of teeth!"
At this point, one of the elders of the congregation interrupted.
"But Reverend," he said, "what if one of those hopeless sinners has no teeth?"
The preacher crashed his fist on the pulpit, "My friends, the Lord is not
put out by details. Rest assured ... teeth will be provided!"
Index Cowboy Joe
Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. "When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.
"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.
"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.
"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.
"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.
"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.
"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.
"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.
"Pew," Charlie retorted.
"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her." Cat and mouse
There was a missionary going to the Philippines and his wife had a cat which she could not part with. There was a hole in the wall of the house that they moved into. A mouse lived there and the cat loved to chase it.
Every day the cat would chase the mouse but he could'nt catch it, and the mouse would laugh at him. One day, the cat almost caught the mouse. On that day the cat waited outside of the mouse hole. The mouse was very scared because he could hear the cat outside of the hole meowing. The cat sat there continuing to meow (meow,meow,meow).
Eventually the meowing stopped and all the mouse could hear was ruff,ruff, ruff. The mouse, full of joy, ran out of his house knowing that he had been saved. As the mouse came out of his hole, the cat pounced on him and gobbled him up, and walked away smiling saying to himself, it pays to be bilingual. Preachers new mower
A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him.
The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house. The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of $25.00.
Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?"
The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?"
The kid said, "Yep."
"Well, how do you do it? Tell me!", the preacher yelled.
The kid replied, "You have to cuss it."
The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years."
With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya." A cat in Heaven
A cat dies and goes to heaven.
God meets him at the gate and says, 'You have been a good cat all these years. You can have anything you desire, all you have to do is ask.'
Well,' said the cat, 'I lived all my life on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.'
'Say no more,' says God and instantly a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer he made to the cat.
'All our life,' the mice say, 'we've had to run. Cats, dogs, women with brooms have chased us. If we had roller skates, we wouldn't have to run any more.'
God says he can take care of it and, instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
A week later God checks on the cat, which is asleep on its pillow. God gently nudges him awake and asks, 'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'
'Never been happier,' says the cat, stretching and yawning. 'And those meals on wheels you've been sending over are great.' The Great Battle
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so man and woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan developed the fast foods industry. And fast foods brought forth the 99 cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to man,"You want fries with that?" And man said, "Supersize them." And man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken -- fried steak so big a needed its own platter. And man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes, and man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And man gained pounds.
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried of them. And he created sour cream dip also. And man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed, and created a quadruple bypass surgery, angioplasties, and stents...
and Satan created HMOs...
And thus goes the battle between the God and Satan. God gives us things that are good, and Satan comes along and changes them or adds to them. We all must choose what we will do with the things that God has given to us. What will you do with your life and the things that God has given you? You must choose every day whether you will use these things for God and his glory or for yourself and the world. The choices that you make today will determine what kind of life you will have tomorrow.
The dress
The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed."I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'""Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!""I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too!"
One word
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.They saw her and began calling greetings to her -- "Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you." When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?", the woman asked.
"Love."
"The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
"About two years later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. My wife and I traveled all around the world. "We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. "How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?", her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
worldly wealth
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.
The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward he dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?"
Keeping the Faith
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son had turned out, and went to see his rabbi about it."I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the rabbi. "Like you, I too brought my boy up in the faith, put him through university, cost me a fortune, then one day he too comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the lawyer.
"I turned to God for the answer", replied the rabbi.
"And what did he say?" pressed the lawyer.
"God said, 'Funny you should come to me ...' "
The golden phone
A man in Detriot, Michigan decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east to zigzag across the states from there. He went to a very large church and began taking pictures.He spotted a golden telephone on a wall and was intrigued by a sign that read: "$5,000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone was, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he were to pay the price he could talk directly to God. He thanked the pastor and continued on his way.
Visiting churches in Seattle, Boise, Denver, Minneapolis, Chicago, Milwaukee, New York, and other places, he found more phones with the same sign. From each pastor he received the same answer.
Finally, he arrived in the southeast part of the U.S. Upon entering a church, low and behold, he saw the usual golden telephone, but this time the sign read: "Calls: 35 cents."
Fascinated, he asked of the pastor, "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this very same golden telephone, and I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven, and that I could talk to God. However, in the other churches, the cost was $5,000 a minute. Your sign reads 35 cents per call. Why is that?"
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied: "Son, you're in Florida now. It's a local call."
The Storm
A passenger jet was going through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and, with a nervous laugh asked, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."
church sign
"How will you spend eternity?Smoking or Non-smoking?"
The love of
A Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Baptist pastor and their wives were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.First came the Presbyterian and his wife. St. Peter shook his head. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."
Then came the Methodist. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"
The Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Fanny.
The church steeple
The church steeple on the old church is very high and was being painted on a rather hot day. The painter was about half way down and, as the steeple was widening out, was taking more paint. The painter felt that he might not have enough paint to finish. Since he was hot and tired, and did not care to make another trip to the ground, he decided to stretch the amount of paint by adding some paint thinner to it. When finished, he lowered himself to the ground and went about cleaning up. Then he looked up to see the results of his work and noted that the area with the thinned paint looked decidedly different. He was pondering about what to do about it when the sky turned dark and there was a lightning flash and loud thunderclap.Then in a loud, booming voice from the sky came the words, " REPAINT AND THIN NO MORE!"
Elijahs test
The Sunday school teacher was explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal to her class. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar. And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times. "Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"A little girl raised her hand with great enthusiasm and said "To make the gravy!"
Lot
A father was reading a Bible story to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
Drunk and the baptismal
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher..I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I did not Reverrend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The ole drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
The lawyer and the pastor
A pastor and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if he would like to play a fun game? The pastor, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines, and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, he declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the pastors attention and figuring there will be no end to this torment unless he plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The pastor doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Okay says the lawyer, your turn.
He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworker, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the preacher, and hands him $500. The pastor says, "Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the pastor and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the pastor reaches into his wallet, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep
Tithing...
There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got to the island, one of them started screaming and yelling."We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!"
The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy.
"Don't you understand?!" We're going to die!!" the first man said.
"You don't understand. I make $100,000 a week," said the second man.
The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked what difference does it make? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to die!!!"
The second man answered, " You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week. I tithe. My pastor will find me!"
God made us
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago.""Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
Sit still
"After a morning worship service, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told her Pasotr how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, the Pastor is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."
Christening baby brother
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
His first wedding
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
Favorite Hymns of Different Professions
Favorite Hymns of Different Professions
The Dentist's Hymn ... Crown Him With Many Crowns
The Weatherman's Hymn ... There Shall Be Showers Of Blessing
The Contractor's Hymn ... The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn ... Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn ... There Is A Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn ... Standing On The Promises
The Optometrist's Hymn ... Open My Eyes That I May See
The IRS Agent's Hymn ... I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn ... Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn ... Send The Light
The Shopper's Hymn ... In The Sweet By and By
The Realtor's Hymn ... I've Got A Mansion Just Over The Hilltop
The Pilot's Hymn ... I'll Fly Away
The Paramedic's Hymn ... Revive Us Again
The Judge's Hymn ... Almost Persuaded
The Psychiatrist's Hymn ... Just A Little Talk With Jesus
The Architect's Hymn ... How Firm A Foundation
The Credit Card Telemarketer's Hymn ... A Charge To Keep I Have
The Zoo Keeper's Hymn ... All Creatures Of Our God And King
The Postal Worker's Hymn ... So Send I You
The Waiter's Hymn ... Fill My Cup, Lord
The Gardener's Hymn ... Lo, How A Rose E'er Blooming
The Lifeguard's Hymn ... Rescue The Perishing
The Criminal's Hymn ... Search Me, O God
The Baker's Hymn ... When The Roll Is Called Up Yonder
The Shoe Repairer's Hymn ... It Is Well With My Soul
The Travel Agent's Hymn ... Anywhere With Jesus
The Geologist's Hymn ... Rock Of Ages
The Hematologist's Hymn ... Are You Washed In The Blood?
The Men's Wear Clerk's Hymn ... Blest Be The Tie
The Umpire's Hymn ... I Need No Other Argument
The Librarian's Hymn ... Whispering Hope
Notice of defective pastor
It has come to our attention that the pastor you received was shipped with a slight defect: he is not psychic. This defect necessitates certain special procedures to ensure optimum performance of your unit.1. It is necessary to inform him of any members who are hospitalized.
2. It is necessary to inform him of any members who should be added to the "shut-in" list.
3. If someone you know is sick or otherwise in need of the pastor's prayers, or if you know of someone who should be included in the prayers on Sunday morning, the pastor must be told, or he won't know.
4. If you are in need of a pastoral visit or some other service from the pastor, you will get best results if you ask him.
We regret any inconvenience this may cause. If these special procedures create an undue burden, please feel free to send the unit back, and one with full psychic abilities will be shipped as soon as one becomes available.
A cats view of creation
On the first day of creation, God created the cat.On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.
On the third, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat.
On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to scoop the litterbox.
The bill
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery.The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand.
"We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?"
"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."
"Do you have any close relatives, then?"
"Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun."
"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God."
"That's right..." the man said with a smile, "So bill my Brother-in-law."
Kids thoughts about God
The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected.
1. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
2. A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
3. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
4. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
5. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
6. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread,which is bread without any ingredients.
7. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
8. Moses died before he ever reached Texas.
9. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
10. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
11. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
12. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives, and 700 porcupines.
13. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
14. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE KIDS!!!!!!!
Choices
One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Director was hit by a bus and she died. Her soul was met at the Pearly gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven", said St Peter. "Before you get settled in, it seems we have a problem. You see, we've never had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you"."No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we are going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules... " And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all cheering for her.
They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got in the elevator.
The elevator opened at the Pearly gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her. She spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So you have spent a day in hell, and a day in Heaven. Now choose your eternity," he said.
The woman replied: "Well I never thought I would say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to Hell.
When the doors opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is are wastelands and garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting, today you're staff..."
Preachers Lamentations
A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his congregation. It's so beautiful here in the winter, he said, that heaven doesn't interest them. And it's so hot here in the summer that hell doesn't scare them.
The priests plants
Three friars were banished from their
monastery for various rule violations, so they
decided to start a business together. They traveled around until they found a town that
they liked, and opened up a plant shop. Their floral
business was soon thriving.
One day, a woman was shopping at the friar's store, and while she was strolling down an
aisle with her toddler, a large plant reached out, grabbed the child, and ate it. Needless
to say, the women was quite upset at the loss of her child. However, the friars refused to
believe that one of their plants could have done such a thing. The woman told all of herfriends about the incident, and soon everyone in the town was in an uproar. They decided
to kick the friars out of town. Every person in the town, except for a man named Hugh,
gathered outside of the friars shop, shouting, waving sticks, and demanding that they
leave. But the friars said No. We're not leaving. So the townspeople gave up
and went home.
Well, a couple weeks later, another woman was walking through the friar's shop, looking at
plants with her baby, when a plant grabbed her child and ate it. She ran through the
streets screaming that a plant had swallowed her baby. The townspeople were
outraged, and again gathered outside the floral shop (except for Hugh), waving torches,
and demanding that the friars leave town at once.
But the friars said, No way. And all the people gave up and went home.
A few days later, yet another woman dared to take her child into the floral shop. She held
her infant tightly in her arms, but it was no use. A large ficus wrestled the child from
her arms, and ate it.
When the townspeople heard of this, they were extremely upset. They again gathered outside
the friar's store (except for Hugh), yelling and threatening bodily harm to the friars if
they didn't leave town. But the friars said, We're staying, So the citizens
gave up and began to go home. Just then, Hugh showed up. He walked up to the friars, and
said, Get out of town, now! The friars immediately packed up all their
belongings and fled that very day, never to be heard from again.
The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Car crash
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation.They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."
The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say,
'Look, he's alive!'"
Baptist Dog
This Baptist couple felt it important to own an equally Baptist pet, so they went shopping. At the kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot.When they asked the dog to fetch the BIBLE, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home. That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new Baptist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed him off a little. The friends were impressed,and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they had never thought about him doing "normal" tricks.
"Well", they said, "Let's try it out." Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
They had been deceived!
He was Pentecostal!!
Morning people
"Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in the world - there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning
Day at the beach
A little boy walked down the beach, and as he did, he spied a woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand.He walked up to her and asked, "Are you a Christian?" She said, "Yes."
"Do you read your Bible every day?" She nodded her head, "Yes."
Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she answered, "Yes."
With that he asked his final question,"Will you hold my quarter while I go swimming?"
The package
There was this gracious lady mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country."Is there anything breakable in here?"
asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.
Revival
Three churches - Baptist, Methodist, and Presbyterian - worked together to sponsor a community-wide revival.After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."
The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."
The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"
Light bulb humor
How many church people does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic: Only one.
Hands already in the air.
Roman Catholics: None.
They use candles.
Pentecostals: Ten.
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None.
God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.
Episcopalians: Eight.
One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old
one
better.
Mormons: Five.
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarian Universalists: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or
against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you
have found
that light bulbs work for you, that is fine.
You are invited to write a
poem or compose a modern dance about you personal relationship with your
light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday
service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions
including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all
of which
are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Baptists: At least 10.
One to change the light bulb, a committee to approve the
change. Oh, and also provide a casserole.
Lutherans: None.
Lutherans don't believe in change.
Methodists: 10
One to change the bulb. Nine to attack the preacher, because someone's
grandmother gave that bulb to the church!!
My Dads job
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
Little Johnny says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
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Sunday morning
A mother called her son on Sunday morning to make sure he got out of bed and was ready for Church."I'm not going," he replied.
"Yes you are going, so get out of that bed!" his mother demanded.
"Give me ONE good reason why I should go," said her son.
"I'll give you THREE good reasons ... One, I'm your mother, and I say you're going. Two, you're 40 years old, so you're old enough to know better ... and three, you're the Pastor, so you need to be there."
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A memorial
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American Flag were mounted on either side of it.The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"Pastor McGwire, what is this?" Alex asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to the men & women who died in the service. "Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 8:45 or the 11:00?
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A Good Deed
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through the big book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life, but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was the time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a group of biker guys gathered around this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there were about 20 of 'em tormenting this girl."
"Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the gang formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says, "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
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The Priest and the bus driver
A priest and a bus driver both go to Heaven at the same time. St. Peter shows the bus driver his house, which is three houses away from God.During this time, the priest is thinking to himself, "Since I'm a priest I should be right next to God!"
Then St. Peter turns towards the priest and beckons him to follow. The priest follows for three miles when they finally come to a house. St. Peter tells the priest that this is his house.
The priest looks horrified and says to St. Peter, "I don't understand! The bus driver is really close to God and I'm a priest! That doesn't make sense!
St. Peter replies, "Oh, that's easy to explain. When you preach, people sleep. When the bus driver drives, people pray."
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The Most Popular Guy
Bubba's boss was getting tired of Bubba proclaiming that he "knew everybody" in the world."Okay, Bubba," his boss said one day, "Prove to me that you know everybody in the world. Do you know Tom Cruise?"
"Oh, me and Tom go way back," said Bubba.
So the boss bought airline tickets to Hollywood, and pretty soon Bubba was knocking at Tom Cruise's door, and was shortly admitted by the butler. Tom rushed to greet Bubba and invited him for lunch, and they had a good time discussing movies and things.
"Well, I'm impressed," said the boss when they left. "But I bet you don't know President Bush."
"Aw, sure I do," said Bubba, and with that they were off to Washington, and pretty soon, the White House guard was escorting the two men into the Oval Office.
"Hiya, Bubba!" said the President, warmly embracing him.
After a nice visit and a chat with the Cabinet secretaries, they left. The boss was suitably impressed, but not giving up.
"Okay, Bubba, I'm going to ask you if you know the ultimate celebrity -- the Pope."
"Why, for sure I do!" said Bubba, and pretty soon they were on an airplane to Vatican City.
They found themselves in St. Peter's Square in a crowd of thousands, and Bubba said, "Heck, I can't see nothin' from here," and so he went right up to the Swiss Guards and the doors opened to him.
The boss waited outside in the square. Pretty soon the door to the upstairs balcony opened, and out comes John Paul II and Bubba. They began to smile and wave at the crowd, with their arms around each other. Shortly thereafter Bubba decided to return to the Square. When he got there, an ambulance was loading his Boss into the back.
Bubba rushed up and said, "What happened, Boss?" The boss says, "I was doing fine until you came out on the balcony and the guy next to me says, 'Who is that guy on the balcony with Bubba?'"
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Cats
It seems...A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to the question, "Where do pets come from?"
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I don't see you anymore. I'm lonesome here and it's difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem, because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you. His name will be a reflection of my own name,
and you will call him 'Dog.'"
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration.
Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was pleased. And the Dog was pleased.
And.... the Cat didn't care one way or the other.
Uh huh!
A Perfect Pastor
A Perfect Pastor... Unknown author ( This is a chain letter that was sent to me.)Results of a computerized survey show that the perfect pastor...
Preaches exactly 15 minutes, condemns sin, but never upsets anyone.
He works from 8:00 AM until midnight and is also the janitor.
He makes $60 per week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car... and gives about $50 per week to the poor.
He is twenty-eight years old and has been preaching for thirty years.
He is wonderfully gentle and handsome.
He has a burning desire to work with teenagers and spends all his spare time with senior citizens.
The perfect pastor smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his work.
He makes fifteen calls a day on church families, shut-ins and hospitalized;
Spends all his time evangelizing the "unchurched" and is always in his office when needed.
If your pastor does not measure up, simply send this letter to six other churches that are tired of their pastor, too. Then bundle up your pastor and send him to the church at the top of the list.
In one year, you will receive 1,643 pastors and one of them should be perfect.
WARNING!!! Keep this letter going! One church broke the chain and got its old pastor back in less than three months.
The Parrot
There was a little old lady who was nearly blind, and she had three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best to her.Son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion, thinking this would surely be the best that any of them could offer her.
Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included, thinking this would surely win her approval.
Son #3 had to do something even better, so he bought her a parrot that he had been training for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could ask the parrot any verse in the Bible, and he could quote it word for word. What a gift that would be.
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous, but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's too large to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."
Then she confronted her second son with, "Son, the car is beautiful. It has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and really don't like the chauffeur, so please return the car."
Next, she went to Son #3 and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for your most thoughtful gift. That chicken was delicious."
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Church Bulletins
Martha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Martha Belch all the way from AfricaAnnouncement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water". The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm.-prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
Muldoons cat
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet cat for company.One day the cat died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me cat is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass fer the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there's no telling what they believe. Maybe they will do something fer the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $1,000 is enough to donate fer the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell me the cat was Catholic?
The florist
Joe was opening a new business, and one of his friends decided to send flowers for the occasion.The flowers arrived and Joe read the card. It said, "Rest in Peace." Joe, enraged, called the florist to complain.
The florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location."
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Does God exist?
A college student was in Philosophy class, where a class discussion about whether or not God exists was in progress.The professor had the following logic: "Has anyone in this class seen God?" Nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class ever heard God?"
When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God!"
One of the students did not like the sound of this, and asked for permission to speak. The professor granted it, and the student stood up.
"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?" he asked.
5823 HWY 4 West